How to Have a Killer Marriage
Okay so what I’m going to share with you today is something I learned from my Master Coach, Brooke Castillo. There are four steps to have the best relationship and they work. I use these steps all the time in my life and I can tell you, they save a lot of heartache and mind drama.
I’m not a fighter. I never have been. At least not out loud.
I cannot tell you the number of conversations and arguments I have had in my head with other people. I’m always right, they are always wrong. I’m always justified. And yet, I never feel good afterwards.
Well, these tips change all that.
They clear everything up and they put me in my place.
Are you ready?
commit to love
The first one is commit to love. I remember Brooke saying that with some of her clients, if they could get this one, often times it was all they needed to fix their relationship.
If you are fighting with someone, think about this.
If you REALLY loved them, does the thing you’re fighting about even matter?
What does it look like to commit to love?
For me, it’s sacred.
I decided to love my husband. I’m committed to him. Till death do we part. No. matter. what.
I’m not looking at other men. I’m not wondering if it will last. I’m not hoping it will last. I just believe it will. I believe in us. I believe in our love. I keep choosing love, everyday.
Commit to love and see how it can change your relationship.
give up being right
This was a hard one for me because I love being right. Remember the Pickles comics? The old couple. I remember reading one where she tells her husband, “I’ll admit your right if you admit I’m wrong.”
That’s kind of how I was. I was always right. I wanted to have the last word. I wanted to get my view across and make him see that my way was the only way.
Sometimes I even knew I was wrong. But I had to keep going with whatever I started on and it was so draining and dumb.
But I was right!
Told you so.
I could have told you that.
Why on earth did you do that?!
What happens if you give up being right? Does it make you wrong? Why does someone have to be right anyway? This is all judgement.
When we give up being right we become vulnerable.
We become open to the conversation.
We let go of what we want and we embrace the discomfort.
And this leads to step three.
We stop controlling the other person. We let them be who they are.
If he comes home from work and all he wants to do is sit on the sofa, that’s okay. If he doesn’t want to do projects, that’s okay. If he wants to go on a spontaneous bike ride, that’s okay. If he wants to eat ice cream at 9pm, that’s okay.
He gets to have his own opinions. He gets to dress the way he is comfortable. He gets to wake up when he wants and go to bed when he wants.
We all have manuals for the people in our lives. We think if he would just do this or that, everything would be so nice.
But what if he really didn’t want to do this or that?
If he is doing it out of resentment, would you still want him to do it?
We want them to want to do it.
But if they don’t want to do it, we can’t make them want to do it. We might as well stop trying to control what they are doing and let them do what they want to do.
What if the roles were switched?
What if your hubby wanted you to walk around in a miniskirt all day? I’m sure Sky would be thrilled if I did that.
Your kids would probably love it if you had candy hour everyday.
We don’t let other people decide what we are going to do. We don’t want anyone controlling us.
We want to show up the way we want to show up.
Return the favor.
This last step is to take 100% responsibility for your own emotions.
This means that when he does something, let’s say he forgot your birthday. He forgot and you are mad.
Now, how do you take responsibility for being mad?
Your brain wants to think you’re mad because he forgot about your birthday.
But the reason you’re mad is because of what you’re making it mean.
The fact that he forgot about your birthday is NEUTRAL.
You had a thought about it, and that is what you’re making it mean.
It is your thought that is creating the emotion, not that he forgot.
Some of you are going to want to say, ‘Well, if he didn’t forget I wouldn’t have had that thought.’
But remember, our thoughts are optional.
You could choose a different thought.
Wow. He must be swamped at work because he forgot my birthday.
I can’t wait to remind him it’s my birthday so we can go out to dinner.
He forgot my birthday and that’s okay. I’ll remind him.
Our thoughts are our choice.
We can always take responsibility for how we respond. That’s what responsibility is. Your ability to respond.
Let’s recap a bit.
The first thing you want to do is to commit to love. Then you give up being right. You stop controlling them, and you take 100% responsibility for your own emotions.
Tell me everything!
Leave a comment and tell me why this is going to be hard so I can help you.
You can have a killer marriage.
You deserve it.
It’s not always easy, but it’s totally possible.
Hey. Did you know you can listen to this blog post? Click play below.