HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT BABY No. 6
This is a different sort of post than I usually do. If you want to skip my story and get to the actionable part of how to feel better, scroll down to Step One.
At the beginning of 2018 I knew this was going to be the best year ever. I was waking @4:30 and I finally had a plan for how my business was going to unfold. I was exercising daily, doing my Miracle Morning, and getting an hour of work in before the kids were awake. I felt full of purpose. I was accomplishing my daily tasks both for This Buffalo Life and for my home life. How could it not be a great year?
In February we had exciting news from Sky's work. There was a potential job offering in Detroit. I have two sisters there, so it's my dream to live there again. Anticipation filled me with excitement as we waited to hear if Sky's company would get the contract.
In March Sky worked in Missouri for the month and it was just the kids and I at home. My mood changed drastically. I didn't understand it. I was extremely tired. I thought maybe all those early mornings were finally catching up with me. I was irritable and I could feel the signs of a bladder infection coming on. I hadn't had one of those since I was last pregnant.
That thought stopped me in my tracks. Sure enough, I hadn't had a period since January. My world came crashing down. I wanted to be done having kids. I feel like I'm getting too old. I have other things I want to do. I did not want to go through another baby stage. These are the thoughts I have when my babies are more than 14 months apart.
Then my thoughts jump to the moms who would give anything to have just one baby. I knew I could never give my baby up, no matter how I was feeling. But I still hadn't figured out how to go on. I was swimming in apathy. It was thick and hard to move. I wanted to come up for air, but all I could do was choke and gasp. It was best to do nothing. Pretend it wasn't there.
But it was so totally there. My body was changing. My brain was driving me crazy. I had to get out of this funk, but I didn't know what to do. All I could think was that I couldn't do what I wanted to do anymore. I couldn't get up early. It felt pointless to work on my business because it would probably sit in limbo for the next two years. What's the point? Everything felt so pointless. I was drowning in my apathy.
This isn't the first time I have felt this way. When I was expecting baby #3 I went through the same thing. Only back then, I just went on an anti-depressant. This time, that wasn't an option. Needless to say, #3 is the one child I struggle with the most. It is difficult for me to slow down and connect with his gentle nature. That history gave me a new thought- Great. This is probably another Type 2.
It's a thought that didn't serve me. In fact, none of my thoughts were serving me. I was aware enough to see that I needed to do some thought work to change my feelings. So, I finally did. And it's been absolutely amazing.
First, I had to learn to want to want to feel better. I was so stuck in apathy that I didn't even want to feel better. I didn't see the point. After I felt better, I still had to do thought work to keep my mental state positive. Now, I can honestly say I feel amazing most days. My life has purpose and I feel fulfilled.
I'm going to share my process I went through to feeling better. If you struggle with the same thing, maybe this can help you.
Ultimately, my goal was just to feel better. I had to learn to want to feel better. I did this by looking at my past and playing out possibilities in my head. What's the worst that can happen? Is it really so bad to just be mom for a couple years?
The worst that could happen isn't that I would be a depressed mom disconnected from my baby. The worst that could happen is that I would miss out on another amazing experience with an angel baby while feeling my best ever.
When you think of what the worst could be, remember to imagine what the best could be. That's what you could be missing out on.
We know that depression and anxiety are hereditary. I knew that I didn't want to pass on my feelings to my baby. I already decided years ago that it was my job to stop that cycle.
I was at my lowest when I had baby #3. I remember almost nothing about that pregnancy or his first 3 years of life. Seriously. It makes me want to cry. I blame it on the medicine.
On the contrary, I was feeling my best when I had baby #5. She is two now and she is the sweetest thing EVER. I promise. That girl can do no wrong in my eyes.
Looking at these two situations, it's obvious to see it will be better to create the second experience again. But the problem was still there. I still didn't even want a baby. I started separating the facts from the problem.
Fact: I'm pregnant. Remember, facts are neutral. It doesn't matter what the circumstance is. Every circumstance in the world is neutral. You can still do whatever you want. You can still feel however you want. Realizing this, I felt like I had a piece of glitter in my hand. A glimmer of hope. What if I could have this baby and still meet my business goals? What would that look like? What would that feel like?
All the sudden, I wanted to feel better.
Feeling better doesn't come easy. One day I would be so happy and the next I didn't want to get out of bed. I had to remind myself that I could still do it all. I had to remind myself why I wanted to do it all everyday. I had to pay attention to my thoughts and think thoughts that served me.
You can get a list of the thoughts I used to feel better by accessing the members only Resource Library. It's so important to think thoughts that serve you.
In step one, I knew I wanted to create a positive experience with this baby, but I still wasn't accepting of the baby. It wasn't until I landed on the thought that I could have this baby and still meet my business goals that I really felt that acceptance. That put me on the right frequency I needed to be on.
When you do your thought work, really pay attention to your desires. Remember, you can have whatever you want as long as you stay aligned with yourself.
When I was doing the thought work everyday, it didn't feel like it was working. I didn't feel like I was making progress. I wondered if I would ever get to the point where I would feel good effortlessly. Reguardless, I kept doing the work, no matter how apathetic I was feeling.
History wants to repeat itself. Your brain wants you to stay in the cave. But we are human. We are meant to evolve. It just dawned on me a couple weeks ago that I feel amazing, and I don't have to effort at it. I'm not doing thought work on my baby anymore.
Each day is a new day, and as my baby grows, so do I. I have a plan to meet my business goals in September. Baby will be here in October. I am grateful for this pregnancy. I have learned so much about myself, and that in turn, has helped me shape my business.
Here's how you can feel better
1. Separate the facts from the problem.
2. Find a thought that serves you and think it on purpose everyday.
3. Do thought work daily, no matter what.
4. Give your brain time to change, allow yourself to feel better.
I hope that by sharing this, I can help you. It's not always easy being mom. Some of you have twice as many kids as I do. But I have found that comparing yourself to others doesn't make you feel good, so I don't recommend it.
Here's to feeling better!